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Note: I started writing this last week, and then let it sit, as I wasn’t sure how I wanted to finish it.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend my nephew’s wedding, and it was a real gift. I want to preface everything written here by saying I thought the wedding was awesome and perfect, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing! It did however, give me a chance to consider the notion of Marriage Equality from a different perspective. While I don’t agree with the determination to keep marriage as heterosexual-only, I better understand some of the argument made against same-sex marriage. I don’t agree with it, but I at least “get” it- it makes more sense to me how/why people can feel that way. I think a big step towards finding a win/win situation is getting to the place where those on the other side do not seem like totally crazy folks.

It is easy to think that opposition to same-sex marriage is the work of crazy folks. Look at the National Organization for Marriage as an example, and their “a storm is coming…” crazy rhetoric. Or the American Family Association which vehemently attacks GLBTQ rights while at the same time employing a pedophile to do the voice-overs for bible passages. But maybe the average conservative christian are not like these extreme examples. Maybe many are just good people whose world-views are as they are.

So, my nephew’s wedding serves as a point from which to write, but I have nothing critical or negative to say about it specifically. It was awesome. To put this a bit into perspective, I’ve had very little interaction with my sister’s family since my mother died. From my perspective, this wasn’t so much a conscious effort, but rather, neither she nor I really made much effort to be in contact. I was a bit hurt when she came to Pittsburgh for my grandmother’s memorial service but wouldn’t stop by to see my new house, but I did realize she had a long drive back to Columbus, so it wasn’t that big of a deal. Still the lack of communication for many years, had me a bit apprehensive. However, my experience of the wedding from the beginning was very positive.

My niece started it, finding me on Facebook, and messaging me to make sure they had the correct address to send me an invitation. I replied with Brad and my name, and our address, and then friended her. It has been great to watch her status updates. My sister and her husband have clearly raised 2 great kids. The invitation arrived, and when I hadn’t RSVP’ed like I was supposed to, I received a message via Facebook from the bride’s mother. She expressed her hope that Brad and I would attend, and I explained some of the things going on that for both of us that made it hard to just say yes. I did alter my plans to go with my father. I knew it was very important to him to go, and important to go with me, so after much thought, we decided the best way to accomplish the most was from Brad to stay here and for me to go with my dad.

As I sat through the wedding, I thought it was all perfect, but it was also clear to me that there was no place in it for me, a gay man. As the uncle there alone without my partner- sure. But the basic wedding itself- no place for anyone other than the traditional man/husband and woman/wife. Some churches are fighting marriage equality so hard because from their standpoint there is no place for Gay. On the surface, this is really fine. Marriage Equality isn’t about taking over the religious wedding. It is only about allowing same–sex couples the same civil rights, privileges and protections as opposite sex couples. but as I sat there in this church it seemed to me that these civil issues are the last thing on anyone’s mind! I doubt the fact that there are over 1000 rights and protections that this new couple has, was even on the radar of anyone there. So, is it any wonder that conservatives have no grasp on why these cvivil protections are what lesbian and gay couples want so much? Brad and I have been together for 10 years! We do not need to have a wedding to “bond as one” but we need (and I believe deserve) the right to those civil rights and protections that support our partnership.  For example, if one of us was critically injured in an accident, the other could be denied access to visit in the hospital, or access to the others pension or any number of other things that are the farthest thing from anyone’s mind as everyone sits in the church and each person says, “I do.”

I have, for some time, wondered why the Family Values people are so up in arms about gay rights. If they really care about Families, they ought to be focusing their attention on the real factors that hurt families, like divorce, domestic violence, and poverty. Want to help children in families? Work on those three big issues! But no! Groups like the AFA spend millions spewing lies about GLBTQ people.

In this wedding however, the focus was on all the right stuff! The pastor encouraged both the bride and groom to consider this not something to do lightly, and that marriage was meant to be until death! He instructed them to work hard to listen and hear and support each other.  And he drew a strong distinction between the fact that they came into this as two distinct people who were forming something new- being a new “one-flesh” couple. This was all so beautiful and meaningful. I know enough gay or lesbian supportive pastors, and have been to a few same-sex marriages to know that these same ideas can be expressed to same-sex couples. Yet, the scriptures chosen and their discussion in this wedding would allow no possibility for same-sex use. Was this intentional, or would this be the common ideas expressed by this pastor always? It was a more conservative church.