Trans issues have been as much in the queer news as marriage equality, and today is one of two days which seem to focus in gender roles: Father’s Day. When I came out to my grandmother, she was very supportive, but she expressed sadness that I wouldn’t have children and then when I was her age, I wouldn’t have kids or grandkids- that my family would shrink over time instead of being expanded by births. I am not now, as old as she was when she made that statement, but I do at least understand her point. Here I am on this Father’s Day with no son or daughter, and at my age, I could even have a grandkid by now. I don’t experience a lack of family or a lack of love as she may have imagined it would be, but I can appreciate her perspective.

Those who oppose same-sex marriage claim that allow gays and lesbians to marry will be the death of the family. We, by the nature of our relationships call into question gender roles and there is no day during the year where this is more marked. Mother’s Day seems different to me. Not sure if it is because I’m not a woman, or because it is clear that women have always been the real foundation of the family, and they deserve whatever credit they can, even in the guise of a day’s celebration. But the role of the men, and Father’s Day seems different.

Some will be upset that I say this, but those who oppose same-sex marriage have a part of it right. A small part, but a part none-the-less.  We are changing gender roles, away from a shared notion that the man’s role is to be the breadwinner male role model. Thew woman is to be the stay at home mom and nurturer. We, the LGBTQ community didn’t begin this transition, but we are certainly playing a part in it. But unlike our opponents, I don’t think that change is a bad thing. Actually, it is just the opposite. These gender roes have possibly never really worked. With more than half of straight marriages ending in divorce, this traditional gender role set up isn’t succeeding, and gays and lesbians have nothing to do with that.

So, even though I’m not a father today, I think I’m playing a part in the growing change in gender roles and what a father can be as well as what family means today. And that feels pretty good.

Using holidays to perpetuate gender roles that don’t really succeed in the first place seems problematic, yet the notion of recognizing the role parents play in the life of a family is important. Maybe as there are more and more same-sex couples raising kids, these exclusively gender-based gender role days will be less of a mainstay of our culture and more energy will be spent simply supporting and celebrating the role of parents on our families.