Controversy is swirling regarding Kate Pierson’s new song, “Mister Sister,” and there is perhaps much that can be said about that. But to do so feels as if one might be wading into a whole lot of ugly. So, I was pleased to see a post in my news feed the other day about being a good trans ally. In the controversy, it becomes clear there is much that the trans community doesn’t need or doesn’t want, and it leaves a cis person wondering how can I help? How can I support trans persons? The linked post is one example of one person sharing what they have done and what being a trans ally means to them. I encourage everyone to read it.
Jean-Marie Navetta places her article in a context: an existing environment where people become allies and share their experiences of being allies- PFLAG meetings. I especially love this quote:
People who tell these stories often do so bravely: They openly reveal their missteps, share harsh feelings they may have had about loved ones or friends, or show biases. In doing so, they demonstrate tremendous courage and deep trust, accepting that they may be judged as harshly as they previously judged others. This is a big part of what makes PFLAG so powerful: these brave living testaments to the fact that it takes a lot of work to be a good ally, including a willingness to openly disclose what it took to get there. In sharing these testaments we validate other people’s journeys and develop constructive compassion for the struggles they personally experienced along the way.
I promise I won’t quote Navetta’s entire article, although I could- it is that good.
But I do want to quote a little bit more:
And it clicked. By listening to her, I learned that while I was accepting of people who were trans, I wasn’t yet an ally. “Being OK with things” wasn’t enough; I had a lot of work to do. I had to listen to stories like hers to truly understand the experience. And I would have to keep listening… and I still am. I had to recognize our parallels and, more importantly, understand our differences and see them as issues for me to care about too. I needed to broaden my view. I needed to be uncomfortable.
In my own experience, sharing my own experience often sets me up for attack. I’ve been told repeatedly by some that I’m just a cis white gay male, and because of that my thoughts, ideas, feelings etc really don’t matter. But Navetta connects two things and this is so critical. She talks about sharing our experiences of becoming an ally with this important thing we can do, which is listening to trans persons and doing this as an ongoing process. This sharing our experience of becoming an ally is different from being the voice of trans issues. One of the biggest complaints I hear from trans persons is that too often others are busy telling them what trans issues are or should be.
My own personal journey of becoming a better ally changed tremendously after I became friends with a trans person. I knew intellectually why trans issues mattered, but through this friendship, trans stopped being an intellectual thing and became about real people. I also got to the point where I quit worrying about taking crap from some trans activists. Some trans persons, just like some gay or lesbian, or [name any group] carry their own baggage, and it is possible to always be wrong in the eyes, simply because I’m a cis person. I am also sometimes wrong and I screw up and misgender a person or make another gaffe. I’ve come to believe that my job isn’t to be perfect, but rather, to do my best to become a better and better ally. A mistake isn’t the worst thing in the world, but failing to learn from a mistakes is.
The last thing I want to share here, is again from Navetta, and already quoted above, but worth repeating:
I had to recognize our parallels and, more importantly, understand our differences and see them as issues for me to care about too.
In my experience, there are ways my experience as a gay man does parallel the experience of some trans persons, but very often gay or lesbian people jump to a conclusion and see a parallel where it may not exist. Really understanding can only come by really listening to trans persons tell their own story and experiences. And sometimes you may be told that “you don’t get it or you don’t understand” even when you do. That used to really piss me off. Now I accept that it is another sign of just how hard many trans persons have had it, and how much pain they carry.
Still, we cannot only care bout trans issues because they are like our own (whatever that means). We have to care about trans issues because we care about trans people, and recognize how none of us are really equal as long as even one part of the rainbow collection of people is left out and alone.
Do you consider yourself a trans ally? What are your thoughts about becoming a better ally?
via http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeanmarie-navetta/becoming-willing-to-tell-_b_6295754.html