Most of the LGBT community is reeling over the awful suicide of Leelah Alcorn in an Ohio small town, although a post by a friend on Facebook prompted me to think of revisiting the “It Gets Better,” project. He wrote:

We’re lying to people when we say “it gets better”. We tell them to cope. That things will improve… but we’re not supporting each other when the fucked up fault line appears.

A sentiment that I believe expresses so much of the anguish many gay, lesbian, bi, trans or queer people are experiencing as we feel helpless and wounded by another priceless life lost forever. I think yes, and I think it misses some of the most important parts to the promise of ‘it gets better.’ We are not lying and we aren’t just suggesting if people cope it will get better all by itself either.

It gets better, is intended for those youth who are utterly disempowered at the moment, in an effort to help them remember that it won’t always be this bad. It doesn’t just get better, but as many of us who have made it through now know, there is hope. It doesn’t have to feel so utterly hopeless. For those youth who cannot come out, who cannot be themselves, cannot live openly and happily, can not transition, the time will come when they can, if they can hold out until they are old enough to no longer be a child in their parent’s care. Once out on their own, they will have more power and ability to form friendships, build community and make the choices they want for their lives. The problem is getting from where they are to that point, and it is no small problem or easy task.

It doesn’t get better for kids because they come out or come to understand their identity, in fact this coming out may make it way harder at first. No, the ‘it gets better’ message says that there will be a day in the future when you will be an adult, and if you can hang on until then, that is when it can start to get better.

There is one part of the story missing however in the ‘it gets better’ refrain.

To see that chance for better requires some rational thinking and enough of a level head to sort out how to hold on. Too many young people like Leelah are past that– they are too far down into the well of  depression, and need far more support than the hope of ‘it gets better’ alone can provide.

Anyone who is ready to take their own life is already very far down into that well. The level of pain and suffering they are experiencing and have already endured is too great a burden and too hard to withstand. They need more support. They need more than a message of hope. They need someone who can step in and take their hand, give them a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on or more.

Nationally, the Trevor Project can provide that type of assistance. NEED HELP? WE ARE HERE FOR YOU 24/7: 1-866-488-7386

But even calling the Trevor Project is a huge step for many and a young person may need to be supported even to do that.

I felt special heartbreak reading over Leelah’s suicide message, as she describes how her mother took her only to Christian councilors who offered her no relief for her depression. This was a young person who even as she cried out for help, no one was there for her.

We have to do better because Leelah isn’t the only young person in this position or facing this level of crisis. We have to do better and truly love these youth because the people who should be there for them often are not and are the people torturing these kids. We have to do better because a promise of hope isn’t enough.